Why we "Light it Up BLUE" in April

Up until last fall, I wasn't quite sure what Autism was. What did it mean? What were the symptoms? Could it really affect 1 in 110 children/ 1 in 70 boys? Could it tear families apart or make them stronger?

I started researching Autism when Ryker's therapists mentioned that he was showing a few signs--but they weren't convinced at the time that those signs would warrant a diagnosis. Even through my research, it was hard to grasp the concept of Autism. It wasn't until Adam and I found ourselves in a cold, dreary (really... the room was gray) room at the Fraser Center on January 5th, 2011, that the reality of Autism hit us. Hard. The team tried to give us the news in gentle sort of way, but there is nothing gentle about hearing your child has Autism. From that moment on, we vowed to advocate and fight for everything our child deserves--no matter how much time and energy it takes.

It was a lonely road for the first month. No one can understand the magnitude of this diagnosis until they have lived it. You have all of these dreams for our child and your family, and all of a sudden you feel like someone snatched them from right underneath you. I revert back to a story someone shared with me in the days following Ryker's diagnosis:

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous
vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make
your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The
gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian.
It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You
pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands.
The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for
Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of
going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in
Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible,
disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease.
It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a
whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people
you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less
flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you
catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that
Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has
Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and
they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And
for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was
supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because
the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get
to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very
lovely things ... about Holland.




It takes time to adjust to "Holland" and sometimes you feel like you're the only one there. Some days I hate Holland. I want to leave and never go back. I know someday we will be happy and content with the life that is before us--knowing we did the best we could to help Ryker. We still have hopes and dreams for our family, we just had to tweak them a little bit.


Living the life of a parent of a child with Autism is hard to describe. It has changed me in more ways than I could have imagined. The one thing that really stands out to me is that I am a lot less judgmental towards other parents. You NEVER know what their story or situation is. When I see a child "acting out" or having a "tantrum" in public, I never judge the parents because I don't know the situation. Ryker has put me in this spot and I know someone has probably thought "Can't you control your child?" and they had no idea that my child has Autism and can't control his temper when he is uncomfortable. He isn't able to communicate his feelings and screaming/kicking/head banging is how he gets comfort sometimes. So please, next time you find yourself judging another parent in the community, think about what that family may be dealing with. 


I want to vow to never let Autism define our family. I will never let Autism define Ryker. Sometimes this can be hard, and in the last 2 months I have tried very hard to use the words "has autism" instead of "autistic". My son is not autistic-- that would be defining his whole being and he is much more than his autism. My son HAS autism-- it is a part of him and it always will be whether his diagnosis is dropped in the future or not. It is important for him to know that he is more than autism.


So, why will we "Light it up Blue?" this month? We light it up blue for Ryker. For our family. For the thousands of other children and families dealing with this diagnosis. To raise awareness. To gain acceptance and understanding. To provide HOPE.